The need to be aloof.

So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.

Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.

I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!

Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .

It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.

Trust.

The idea of trust has been a recurring thing in my life recently. Trust between two people in a relationship, trust between friends, trusting in myself, or as is the case, lack of. 

I think when someone makes a mistake, and breaks a persons trust it is also often the case that you can also break your own trust in yourself. And even long after the person you hurt has forgiven you, well, you can just be stuck doubting yourself all of the time. 

 

Or is this just me? 

Yeah okay just me. 

After much research it transpires that the best way to love and trust yourself is to really “find” yourself..whatever that means. . I don’t know, the touchy feely spiritual stuff isn’t something I am well versed in. However, I am extremely willing to try. . So how does one really get to know themselves? Self reflection and time spent just for myself, reading, having a bath. . baking?

I don’t know. Suggestion Jar Is well and truly present here! 

 

New leaf?

I spent the best part of 40 minutes writing an in depth post before . . only to find that it didn’t upload when I was done and I lost it all, so as ironical as it was that it was about not being lazy and being more motivated in life I have decided to do a smaller blog and re-write that at a later date.

However I can say that for some reason I feel inspired tonight to make a few changes that are only small but will make me a lot happier. One of these was to get rid of some of my facebook ‘friends’. I never used to see the point in doing this but I have come to realize that I don’t speak to the majority of the people on there and I know them from years ago. It is well known knowledge that people from your history only add you to snoop. But never speak, heaven forbid! So I have done a clear out on it, and yes, I feel better!

Secondly, after reading the perks of being a wallflower I feel like I have been concentrating to hard on the stupid things that don’t matter. Yes I am aware that many people would say it is cheesy to find epiphany moments in a book but, screw it, I have. A lot of what my original post was saying is that we should just say yes to things. Don’t let petty worries and self conscious issues stop you from doing the things that will ultimately make you happy! I need to do this more, and I plan to start now.

I have recently gotten back on the Slimming World diet, and whilst I am not a large person I would feel better about myself if I was a bit slimmer (who wouldn’t I know) but I plan to just say yes to the diet, rather than going strong for a couple of weeks then thinking oh sod it I have lost enough, only to put it all back on and then some!

I don’t see the point in half arsing my way through everything I do, and I think I have been doing that in a lot of aspects of life. So I will say yes to new things, and I wont let myself get in the way. I am pretty sure I have had similar things go through my head in the past, but I don’t fancy wasting my life regretting my decisions, and God knows there are a lot to regret, but what is the point? It won’t help me now.

So what will you say yes too? I think every person who reads this should try saying yes to something they would usually shy away from, and see what happens. You never know, it could be something that just makes you smile, or it could be something that changes everything for the better!

So, say yes.