Being down and showing appreciation.

Over the past week or two I have felt incredibly crap. Blubbery and weepy and miserable. No real reasons for it, I guess unnecessary stress over work, over relationships. . the usual. But that isn’t what I want to concentrate on here, what I wanted to get out was how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and family.

When everything feels so dreadful the slightest kind gesture means so much. Especially when the person who is down isn’t keen on sharing how they feel with the people who matter most. I am sometimes keen to share, other times I won’t and that never helps, but I guess everyone feels silly about being down sometimes.

I have spent most of the last week at home alone, some family is away, and most friends are busy with their own work and being busy with their own lives. Also, sometimes it is just embarrassing to feel needy for your friends help.

ANYWAY, I’m babbling. If the people I am talking about are reading this, then thank you. I know that I am lucky enough to have friendships that have lasted for years, and will without a doubt keep going until we are old ladies. I can say that the small amount of real friends I have will always be my friends, even if we don’t see each other for a week, or two. .or even if its months. I think the point I was trying, and so epically failing to make, is that when I feel so crap it is easy to overlook the people I love, and in turn, how they feel.

Soooo, even if we’re not expressing the emotional stuff to each others face, I am sure you will read this and know I am talking about you, and if you are, and do. . I love you more than anyone in the world and we will be as close as peas forever. . sorry if I haven’t been there this past few weeks.

PEAs_pod

Is it okay?

I have a building amount of grown-up things I need to do. I got as far as changing into daytime clothing (which usually I wouldn’t do if I am going to be at home all day).. but I just can’t bring myself to do anything I need to do.

I just want to sulk and mope and be sad.

So, is it okay to call the day a write off and just watch shit tv all day? Or am I being an absolute fanny. . don’t answer that.

Head in the clouds but my gravity is centered

So, as per I’m taking to the blogasphere to complain about how difficult life has been recently. . Or how hard Iv made it for myself, which one it is is yet to be determined, but I know which my money is on.

Self sabotage is probably everyone’s downfall. . At some point each one of us will continue pursuing something or someone despite knowing it is no good for us. . Or perhaps not doing something even though it could be one of the best things to happpen to us is the way you prefer to sabotage. .but I think what is certain in any case is that it Is always a contious decision.

Everyone will hit their limit though, some sooner than others and I think I have finally found mine. I feel like a weight has been lifted, shedding some of the badness from my life has left room for me to do the things Iv thought about doing countless times, yet always kept myself from doing, there is always the right excuse when your battling with yourself. And it’s these excuses that will be the first to go off my list.

🙂

Because its true.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I’d never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you
I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

No I…(this girl is only gonna break your heart)
(This girl is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one

Still not really getting better??

Well it has been over a week since he last spoke to me and I dont feel any better for it. I have managed to stop papping on to people about how sad I feel pretty much, but i still spend my alone time being weepy and pathetic. 

My sleeping is still pretty non-existant so all the plans I make for myself for the next day are out the window because Im too tired to do any of it. 

I just want to be happy now, its been months and Im fed up of being fed up. 

Graduation in a few months! So that means dissertation deadline even sooner- Great timing.

 

What to do.

I miss him so much that I feel almost as though I’m not fully there in the room, one part of me is thinking about him, about the past 4 months, what I did and everything bad that has happened.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress, that I am 1 step closer to being happy again. But the slightest thing will remind me of him, and teigger off a series of memories, most of which are bad ones, the good ones dont feel good anymore either.

Im not sure what to do to move on from this, beginning to feel pathetic for still moping about it. But I feel utterly miserable and hoping a little rant here will maybe ease my mind so I can sleep.

😦  x