The need to be aloof.

So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.

Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.

I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!

Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .

It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.

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Head in the clouds but my gravity is centered

So, as per I’m taking to the blogasphere to complain about how difficult life has been recently. . Or how hard Iv made it for myself, which one it is is yet to be determined, but I know which my money is on.

Self sabotage is probably everyone’s downfall. . At some point each one of us will continue pursuing something or someone despite knowing it is no good for us. . Or perhaps not doing something even though it could be one of the best things to happpen to us is the way you prefer to sabotage. .but I think what is certain in any case is that it Is always a contious decision.

Everyone will hit their limit though, some sooner than others and I think I have finally found mine. I feel like a weight has been lifted, shedding some of the badness from my life has left room for me to do the things Iv thought about doing countless times, yet always kept myself from doing, there is always the right excuse when your battling with yourself. And it’s these excuses that will be the first to go off my list.

🙂

When it rains, it pours.

It’s a fairly recognised thing that some days can start of incredible, and slowly, or sometimes not so slowly turn into one of the worst days. However recognised, it doesn’t fail to leave one wondering what the actual fuck went on in such a short period of time.

 

I’d say today was very much one of those days, and as I sit on my yet-to-be-made bed, incredibly drained and fed up I am wondering if tomorrow could possibly offer anything upwards of shit. Why am I sat in an unmade bed? Because my dog ran in to the house, happy as could be after much too recently doing his buisness, slipped upstairs, and jumped full force onto my bed, thus leaving fresh shit prints all over it. Can’t be too angry, bad timing on the dogs part, and he was just excited to see me. . .It didn’t fail to make me literally break down in tears though. . . thinking that may have been the tip of the emotional iceberg for one day.

 

Tips for relaxation are much welcome.