Over the past week or two I have felt incredibly crap. Blubbery and weepy and miserable. No real reasons for it, I guess unnecessary stress over work, over relationships. . the usual. But that isn’t what I want to concentrate on here, what I wanted to get out was how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and family.
When everything feels so dreadful the slightest kind gesture means so much. Especially when the person who is down isn’t keen on sharing how they feel with the people who matter most. I am sometimes keen to share, other times I won’t and that never helps, but I guess everyone feels silly about being down sometimes.
I have spent most of the last week at home alone, some family is away, and most friends are busy with their own work and being busy with their own lives. Also, sometimes it is just embarrassing to feel needy for your friends help.
ANYWAY, I’m babbling. If the people I am talking about are reading this, then thank you. I know that I am lucky enough to have friendships that have lasted for years, and will without a doubt keep going until we are old ladies. I can say that the small amount of real friends I have will always be my friends, even if we don’t see each other for a week, or two. .or even if its months. I think the point I was trying, and so epically failing to make, is that when I feel so crap it is easy to overlook the people I love, and in turn, how they feel.
Soooo, even if we’re not expressing the emotional stuff to each others face, I am sure you will read this and know I am talking about you, and if you are, and do. . I love you more than anyone in the world and we will be as close as peas forever. . sorry if I haven’t been there this past few weeks.
So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.
Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.
I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!
Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .
It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.
So I have had this blog for about two years . . and for the majority of that time I haven’t been a frequent blogger, minimal effort has been dedicated to the cause. . . But whenever I do come back its because of reading other people’s posts, and just loving it. Then I will write one and find how much I enjoy it, even if I am not very good, or have nothing good to discuss.
The past week or so I have tried to write on here often and so far it has been a success! I find myself blathering on about nothing but I still find the process incredibly therapeutic 🙂 And so now, I’m almost at 100 followers!! About 30 followers have emerged in the past two weeks and it makes the blogging all the more rewarding!
2 more of you lovely bloggers away from 100 and Im incredibly happy 😀
For the first time in a very, very long time I got on with some projects I had without getting distracted by things like Facebook and YouTube and WordPress and well, you get the idea. And what’s more of a step is that i didn’t let myself be beaten by a task I felt very unquallified to carry out. And Wellllll, it’s paid off:D I have just received feedback from the woman in charge saying my pieces looked great! So even if I don’t end up landing the job I’m still so proud of myself for a change!
I am incredibly hungover today, having my best friend home from the Navy for 2 weeks is taking its toll on my liver. Can’t deny that dancing around the kitchen to Madness until the early hours wasn’t the unwinding I needed though! . . It has taken a good 5 minutes for me to write this much. . but Im hoping I can start the road to productivity by writing a blog post. My head doesn’t appreciate the effort.
. . it is now about 30 minutes later and I have literally been staring at the screen absolutely zombified. I had high hopes that I could begin my exercise today, that perhaps the hangover would drive me through a run without me realising quite what was happening. .but as I seem incapable of writing I doubt any running will be possible.
Mmm, I have so many things I need to do. None of which include the bath I am about to run and nap in 🙂
So, as per I’m taking to the blogasphere to complain about how difficult life has been recently. . Or how hard Iv made it for myself, which one it is is yet to be determined, but I know which my money is on.
Self sabotage is probably everyone’s downfall. . At some point each one of us will continue pursuing something or someone despite knowing it is no good for us. . Or perhaps not doing something even though it could be one of the best things to happpen to us is the way you prefer to sabotage. .but I think what is certain in any case is that it Is always a contious decision.
Everyone will hit their limit though, some sooner than others and I think I have finally found mine. I feel like a weight has been lifted, shedding some of the badness from my life has left room for me to do the things Iv thought about doing countless times, yet always kept myself from doing, there is always the right excuse when your battling with yourself. And it’s these excuses that will be the first to go off my list.
The idea of trust has been a recurring thing in my life recently. Trust between two people in a relationship, trust between friends, trusting in myself, or as is the case, lack of.
I think when someone makes a mistake, and breaks a persons trust it is also often the case that you can also break your own trust in yourself. And even long after the person you hurt has forgiven you, well, you can just be stuck doubting yourself all of the time.
Or is this just me?
Yeah okay just me.
After much research it transpires that the best way to love and trust yourself is to really “find” yourself..whatever that means. . I don’t know, the touchy feely spiritual stuff isn’t something I am well versed in. However, I am extremely willing to try. . So how does one really get to know themselves? Self reflection and time spent just for myself, reading, having a bath. . baking?
I don’t know. Suggestion Jar Is well and truly present here!