The need to be aloof.

So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.

Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.

I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!

Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .

It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.

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Head in the clouds but my gravity is centered

So, as per I’m taking to the blogasphere to complain about how difficult life has been recently. . Or how hard Iv made it for myself, which one it is is yet to be determined, but I know which my money is on.

Self sabotage is probably everyone’s downfall. . At some point each one of us will continue pursuing something or someone despite knowing it is no good for us. . Or perhaps not doing something even though it could be one of the best things to happpen to us is the way you prefer to sabotage. .but I think what is certain in any case is that it Is always a contious decision.

Everyone will hit their limit though, some sooner than others and I think I have finally found mine. I feel like a weight has been lifted, shedding some of the badness from my life has left room for me to do the things Iv thought about doing countless times, yet always kept myself from doing, there is always the right excuse when your battling with yourself. And it’s these excuses that will be the first to go off my list.

🙂

Trust.

The idea of trust has been a recurring thing in my life recently. Trust between two people in a relationship, trust between friends, trusting in myself, or as is the case, lack of. 

I think when someone makes a mistake, and breaks a persons trust it is also often the case that you can also break your own trust in yourself. And even long after the person you hurt has forgiven you, well, you can just be stuck doubting yourself all of the time. 

 

Or is this just me? 

Yeah okay just me. 

After much research it transpires that the best way to love and trust yourself is to really “find” yourself..whatever that means. . I don’t know, the touchy feely spiritual stuff isn’t something I am well versed in. However, I am extremely willing to try. . So how does one really get to know themselves? Self reflection and time spent just for myself, reading, having a bath. . baking?

I don’t know. Suggestion Jar Is well and truly present here! 

 

I’m a gaming widow!

So I won’t be the only girl (or boy!) out there whose other half is absolutely obsessed in playing games. I have had many arguments and heated debates over the subject of incessant gaming with my boyfriend, often to no avail, “Just have to catch this one more Pokemon and then I’m done!!” is a familiar phrase since the release of the new game and I often get guilted into catching the sodding things for him as he sits eager by my side, stroking my ego with such compliments as “You can always catch the rare ones babe”, and it works, every time. It’s only afterwards, Pokemon caught, that I realise he has scuttled off to the sofa again, face illuminated with the light of his 3D screen, no intentions of finishing up soon. 

So what do we do? No point arguing, and quite often there is no way for me to join in, we can’t both sit around the DS, can we? I have given up the dream of introducing new hobbies for him to partake in, no matter how many times he brings his (unopened) book round to read with me, i now know that it will never actually happen. 

In this case we don’t see each other often, and anything I do whilst he games would really have to be done near him otherwise we would never be together at all! So what do I do? Read alone? Watch a film, alone? With the familiar “Mmm?” or “haha yeahh. . .” vaguely muttered at any question I pass over his way.. No. . I think I am in need of suggestions, I know there are more gaming widows out there..right? 

 

Help. 

 

What to do.

I miss him so much that I feel almost as though I’m not fully there in the room, one part of me is thinking about him, about the past 4 months, what I did and everything bad that has happened.

Some days I feel like I’m making progress, that I am 1 step closer to being happy again. But the slightest thing will remind me of him, and teigger off a series of memories, most of which are bad ones, the good ones dont feel good anymore either.

Im not sure what to do to move on from this, beginning to feel pathetic for still moping about it. But I feel utterly miserable and hoping a little rant here will maybe ease my mind so I can sleep.

😦  x

2013

Well January is almost over, and what can I say about the beginning of 2013? 

 

The bad:

  • The end of the biggest relationship I have been in.
  • Financial stresses
  • Loss of willpower and motivation
  • In a reading slump
  • Poorly puppy
  • In general cluttered state of mind
  • Drinking too much
  • Smoking too much

 

The Good:

  • New friends have been made
  • One door closes another one opens etcetcetc
  • More time to myself to get on with university work and heighten some crap grades
  • Beginning to feel inspired to write again 🙂
  • Closer with already existing friends
  • Learnt a lot about myself, not all of it good. But get to work on that now too. 

 

Nobody wants the deep ins and outs of the bad or the good so there is a nice tidy summary of where I am in 2013. Hoping February is brighter.

XOXO