The need to be aloof.

So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.

Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.

I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!

Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .

It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.

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Oh how I hate you, let me count the ways. .

Travelling is not my friend!

Not helped by the fact that it’s a billion degrees at the moment I just get so stressed and sweaty and flustered it becomes a much bigger issue than it really ever meant to be.

I am currently on such a journey from southam back to the north. It only requires two pretty simple changes but this is only my second time and during the first one I got lost between these simple changes and had to be picked up. . . . So safe to say my second go has been full of anxiety and sweaty worries.

Howeverrrr…. I bring you this post from the comfort of the last train I need to be on! And it has air conditioning! Score.

Not sure how much of a fan I am of Birmingham though, given the stress I was feeling there are just far to many equally sweaty bodies to squeeze past.

🙂

Why oh why

The time to complete a good dissertation is running very low and I literally can’t make myself work. I know what needs to be done, yet procrastination win, even at this stage where it is imperative that I do actually do work.  My laziness has gotten so bad that I couldn’t even be bothered to type this, but then procrastination from my dissertation caused me to see blogging in a whole new light!

 

I think Im broke.

Every Cloud (:

So I haven’t written in a few days and someone actually messaged me to enquire as to my whereabouts so I feel like I should make a return =)

No major reason for not saying much, mostly just through lack of things to say/being busy. 

I had finished one assignment and done about 5,500 words of my dissertation last week so the stuff I did write on here was far from enthralling anyway, so it seemed the kindest thing to do to not bother at all!

Anyway, I went to my friend’s 21st on Saturday night, me and my friend walked in to something that resembled the Pheonix Club (You know, Brian Potter!), the drinks where incredibly overpriced and being surrounded by chavs/extremely arrogant females it was only natural we needed to get drunk if we wished to stay! . . . Two bottles of wine and a double vodka and coke later, the party wasn’t so dreadful!

During the alcohol consumption me and Andrea, my oldest and bestest friend, had a rather lengthy heart to heart about all my “woe is me” moments and we revelled in the fact that all my bad shit from the past few months has led us to being much closer. 

I guess I feel much happier now after realising that, even though I still feel sad all the time, and lonely a lot of the time. I know really that Im not, and if nothing else I shall always have her 

Anyway, enough of that. 

(:

Dissertation Blues and “productive” procrastinating. . .

gahhhh. Who thought it would be a good idea to give students 10,000 word dissertations alongside year three modules? Some sick sick person is who!!

 

I don’t even feel like I am doing anything worth being proud of because I am literally having to do this work now and I am clearly not doing such a good job because, well I am here aren’t I!

After this work today is done I feel like I could have a tiny celebratory dance before starting the next load of work. . just a small one? 

Starting to wonder now if I am cut out for the Masters I wanted to do after I graduated. Hmm.

Some kind blogger bring me supplies to get me through, thank you please.

 

Well would you look at that. . .

I have a number of new followers, so Hurray! .. and hello 😀 And thank you to Daniel for pimping out my site, I knew there was a reason I liked you.

As a sort of update from yesterday’s blog post, my puppy Beamish has been admitted to the vets for now, which is awful as my other older dog is now wandering around like a lost soul. . and has began humping his blankets. Grieving process huh? 

So still not feeling the love at the moment. It seems to be a non-stop crapfest. So I am using this to vent my feelings as apparently that helps? So this won’t be very literary at all Im afraid, but hopefully people enjoy reading casual chat? . . . You do right?

My mission of the day is now to at least start Pride and Prejudice, I have to read it for my module on Friday, so that is doable. . . I think. 

In other news: My kitchen has no eggs and no cheese. I don’t know what to do with myself now. Do people still eat just toast?? 

Don’t go just yet. . I promise these posts will improve. . almost certain of it!

XO