Being down and showing appreciation.

Over the past week or two I have felt incredibly crap. Blubbery and weepy and miserable. No real reasons for it, I guess unnecessary stress over work, over relationships. . the usual. But that isn’t what I want to concentrate on here, what I wanted to get out was how lucky I am to have such amazing friends and family.

When everything feels so dreadful the slightest kind gesture means so much. Especially when the person who is down isn’t keen on sharing how they feel with the people who matter most. I am sometimes keen to share, other times I won’t and that never helps, but I guess everyone feels silly about being down sometimes.

I have spent most of the last week at home alone, some family is away, and most friends are busy with their own work and being busy with their own lives. Also, sometimes it is just embarrassing to feel needy for your friends help.

ANYWAY, I’m babbling. If the people I am talking about are reading this, then thank you. I know that I am lucky enough to have friendships that have lasted for years, and will without a doubt keep going until we are old ladies. I can say that the small amount of real friends I have will always be my friends, even if we don’t see each other for a week, or two. .or even if its months. I think the point I was trying, and so epically failing to make, is that when I feel so crap it is easy to overlook the people I love, and in turn, how they feel.

Soooo, even if we’re not expressing the emotional stuff to each others face, I am sure you will read this and know I am talking about you, and if you are, and do. . I love you more than anyone in the world and we will be as close as peas forever. . sorry if I haven’t been there this past few weeks.

“Hobbies”

Well hello again 🙂

I will skip the usual “sorry I have neglected you blog, etc etc etc”, and go straight to what is on my mind, k? k.

Am I the only one (I’m sure I am not. . please let me not be) that is utterly useless at maintaining a hobby. I think it is sadly safe to say, that this blog is the most consistent hobby I have ever had. . I say this in the full knowledge that I often disappear from the blogesphere, and when I do return, it is usually useless shit like this that I choose to splurge out.

I have been through the various phases of hobby; guitar, drums at one very distant point, exercise (lol), cycling – although to be fair I still am really keen to get involved in. But I refuse to own any type of bike that isn’t one with a little basket and a bell, and they are pricey. . what else, hmm. . oh yes, jewellery making, that was a thing once. Basically long story short, I have spent quite a decent amount of my money (and parents money in the younger years) over my life span on various interests that sooner or later, usually sooner, gather dust in a corner. My £££’s worth of jewellery making material hasn’t seen the light of day in a good few years!

My point? Well, I have spent the past hour searching Ebay for a ukelele and I sense one of these phases on the horizon. But this time, before I go buying, I want to find out how normal people with will power take up a new hobby, and then stick to it for a respected amount of time, enough for them then to be able to say, “Yes, I used to play the guitar” . . as at the minute, other than blogging, there really isn’t anything I can say that I “used” to do.

As usual WordPress, I am looking to you for advice =]

In other news, I have taken to the bedroom for my Saturday night, and I’m about to snuggle down watching Sweeney Todd! . . Is bed a hobby? I can definitely profess that,

“Yes, I often spend my free time in bed”

Outer body experience

So I have been making up for my own sheer laziness in the past 24 hours, and that has ultimately resulted in the demise of any sleep. I did go to bed at midnight with the best intentions, but the pressure of deadlines that I have put on myself has inhabited my brain and so I couldn’t switch off.

So now, I’m sulkily nursing a flask of coffee that is too hot to drink, and I’m trying in vain to reap some kind of vapor benefits. And working at my desk, by working I of course mean writing this. .an act that will bring me no closer to finishing my work, and is only exhausting what remains of my brain power.

Have you ever felt so tired that you feel only half present in everything you do?

Oh well, I won’t learn from this, expect a string of similar posts next week 🙂

Weekend “working” from home. .

So it has been no secret that this week I have been working from my house at a new job. Or should I say I have been struggling to work from home.

This last week has felt like being back at university, where everything else is the most appealing task. I now have a pristine bedroom, and have lost a shocking amount of money via Amazon. Curse you online shopping.

So I thought I could make someone else feel good about their achievements this weekend by sharing a few pictures of my lack of them. You’ll notice the the general theme of anything-other-than-workness.. 🙂

Having a bash at it.

Being drunk and blogging is something I am yet to do. How hard can it be to achieve a semi-decent post after a few bottles of vino? We will soon see..

Struggle #1: The effort of constantly deleting all my spelling errors. . .They are coming in thick and fast!

. . So I’m at my friends house having a casual drink, it has been SUCH a good day for sun, which in the UK is certainly something to celebrate. So I have done so by coming here and lounging in the garden with copious amounts of wine and aimless chatter.

Looking at the situation now, it’s 3am and I am secluding myself by writing this, nursing a gin and coke, and dreading the day ahead and all the work I am yet to do! I’m dubious about how much sense this makes to be honest, I feel like I should quit whilst I’m ahead..or just quit!

Jesus Christ. I am 23 and procrastinating work by drinking gin and wine.

Acceptable…or not?

Destined for failure

So, the sizeable mountain of work I have is still ever present..oops. it’s a gorgeous day so I decided to take it all outside into the garden, the change of environment can only be a good thing, yes?

Well. . No. Work set up, all nice and ready. I decided to go in and have lunch first. I came back to half chewed paper all over the floor and a completely shady looking dog with a completely pink face from the highlighter he had half eaten.

Fuck sake dogs.

Pre-dog attack. . .

“I’m no good at anything. Not men. Not social skills. Not work. Nothing.”

So yesterday was an epic fail on my part. Come 6 o’clock I had a large glass of rose and the instant wave of happiness from that first cold sip was the decider that I am only a few public fuck ups away from being a 23 year old Bridget Jones.

I have had a slow start today, an undeserved lie-in. .a leisurely shower and well, I still haven’t done any work and its almost 2 pm. But. .there is still time for that! I have recently discovered the app ‘Evernote’, and whilst I think I may be incredibly slow to the table, I still am enjoying using it! I am one of those who gets so much joy from the planning, the list making. . highlighting, my god I love highlighting. It’s the task that I have spent three hours planning that I can’t be arsed taking on!

So with that reality looming, and taking on board that yesterday I did sweet FA. . I am going to make sure that today I definitely achieve at least two of things things off my latest Evernote list!

Right after food. . can’t think without food, so its all part of the task. . =)

Is it okay?

I have a building amount of grown-up things I need to do. I got as far as changing into daytime clothing (which usually I wouldn’t do if I am going to be at home all day).. but I just can’t bring myself to do anything I need to do.

I just want to sulk and mope and be sad.

So, is it okay to call the day a write off and just watch shit tv all day? Or am I being an absolute fanny. . don’t answer that.

The need to be aloof.

So there is someone special in my life, who has been in my life before and I have lost, until recently. In the absence of each other things have changed, obviously. We have both had other relationships, we have both changed a bit. .but the connection is still there, struggling amongst the new changes and the heavy weight of the “other people”.

Said person went away yesterday with a girl he has been friends with a long time. They will be in Thailand for almost a month and I am struggling so much with it. Don’t worry, I am totally aware of how pathetic it is to feel so lost and worried when someone *Im not even “officially” seeing* goes away. I am desperate to love myself enough that I am not insecure about that kind of thing.

I trust him, we have spoken and he gave me his word, there is no reason for me to worry. Of course I still do. .a lot! I have this whole reflective thing going on where I try and convince myself that I just need to *find myself*. . what the hell that means I don’t know. .read, write, do work, keep busy. .*love* myself. The insecurity and lack of any esteems is my major downfall here. .Im sure of that much. It also doesn’t help that he struggles showing much thoughtful emotion, for whatever reasons, it sucks, because I crave the reassurance embarrassing amounts!

Either way, I hope venting a bit in a poorly written blog post helps me out. .and maybe I will find other equally minded people, or ones who DO actually love themselves who can share with me how the hell I go about doing that! . .

It’s been 1 day by the way, he has been gone one day and I am driving myself mad with paranoid thoughts. Help.

Im almost there!

So I have had this blog for about two years . . and for the majority of that time I haven’t been a frequent blogger, minimal effort has been dedicated to the cause. . . But whenever I do come back its because of reading other people’s posts, and just loving it. Then I will write one and find how much I enjoy it, even if I am not very good, or have nothing good to discuss.

 

The past week or so I have tried to write on here often and so far it has been a success! I find myself blathering on about nothing but I still find the process incredibly therapeutic 🙂 And so now, I’m almost at 100 followers!!  About 30 followers have emerged in the past two weeks and it makes the blogging all the more rewarding! 

2 more of you lovely bloggers away from 100 and Im incredibly happy 😀